Monday, December 28, 2015

I'm Back

I don't know where to begin.

I guess an explanation would be a good place. I'd like to say that I just didn't have the time, or that I lost interest, or that I forgot how to type. After too much introspection, I realized I lost my voice. I went through a very dark turn in my journey where I felt that nothing I did had much merit. More specifically, I felt like what I said didn't matter. Not that long ago, I read something that shook me to my core. St. Thomas Aquinas received a vision of heaven. When confronted with the wonder and immensity of the divine, he said, "I can write no more. I have seen things that make my writings like straw." All of his work suddenly seemed unimportant. Even though his contributions to theology and philosophy were so profound, they paled in comparison to this vision. I think I got to this point after spending time reading wonderful blogs and articles and books. So many people had such a much more articulate way of saying things. So many people saw the world for what it is, and were able to express it so eloquently. I felt like I was just a small, noisy voice, busying myself with very insignificant insights and petty observations. I was in a place where I was questioning the very worth of what I was contributing. There are many factors, now that I look back, that were lowering my opinion of myself. I won't bore you with the details, but a lot of it had to do with my situation. I see that now. That I let the outside affect my inside. 

So what has changed? Earlier this year, I had a very profound experience where I encountered the Holy Spirit. I wish I could put into words what it was like. The best I can say is that I was overcome with a feeling that I have never had before. It was like every molecule of my being was energized, like a surge of supernatural electricity. It opened my eyes to the fact that practicing my faith isn't something I do with the intent of receiving some reward after this life is over. God's love and happiness is present to me right now. It was total and instant gratification. I suddenly heard the Gospel in a new way. I found myself seeking Jesus in my every moment, knowing that I would be rewarded with happiness not in the afterlife, but now. Right now. Religion is not the promise of reward in the distant future. Jesus message was about how to be fully satisfied in this life. Heaven is just the ultimate realization of this happiness. We need to find God now and the reward at the end of this life will be to continue this discovery unfettered by the constraints of our physical self.

So what does this have to do with my return to the internet? The more I prayed and reflected, the more I could hear God speaking to me. I do have a voice. I have a mission. If only everyone could have my experience! If only everyone I came in contact with could hear my story and be changed by it! It sounds silly outside of the context of my experience, but God told me that I was supposed to start blogging again. I want to tell anyone reading this, that he or she can... no, needs to have an intimate relationship with God. All else is straw.

As I reread this, I hope it doesn't turn you off. I hope you don't see this as some fanatical rant. I want it to sound as practical and straightforward as I experienced it. I'm not sure what this blog with transform into. I'm sure I will still have quirky asides. I will still reflect on the things of this world that make me scratch my head. Bear with me, I think the journey will be a rewarding one. I am blessed that you have decided to come back too, that we have found each other again, dear reader.

If you have interest, I am also blogging specifically for my parish, dealing much more directly with spirituality akin to Catholic life. You can click here: